They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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