My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
