I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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