So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
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