Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
