Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm too high and old for this...
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
