perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
