alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i wish my penis had a tongue
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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