He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
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I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
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I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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