i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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