All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
