How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
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You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
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I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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