I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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