FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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