Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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