just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
