please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
