I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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