i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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