I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
