he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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