I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
