Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
