after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
