I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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