I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
