My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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