i just wanna soil my oats bro
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
