My Higher Power is John Stamos
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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