If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
