I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
