Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
