i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
