i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
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She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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