Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
