I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
