I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
