I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
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thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
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Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left