sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.