I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
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boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
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At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.