I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize