life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
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