Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
