he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
