just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
