Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
