I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
