Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
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