i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
