Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
