Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
