Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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