i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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