How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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