WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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