my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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