Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
