talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
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