it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
