so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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