My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
