I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
