Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
